To the Core

Out with the old, in with the new.

2010-12-29T22:16:00.003-06:00

As I write this, the last day of 2010 has barely begun. Three hundred and sixty-five more days can now be logged into the history books. It makes me think of the phrase with which I titled this post: Out with the old, in with the new.

As the calendar flipped over to the new year, many will look back on the memories and accomplishments that occurred in 2010. Some will remember it as the year they lost a loved one, or the year they married the love of their life. But along with the reminiscing will come the anticipation of what is to come in the new year. Will 2011 be the year you finally lose that weight? Take that trip? Find that someone?

For me, it's bittersweet. 2010 wasn't exactly kind to me, and I want to believe that 2011 has many good things in store for me -- but 2009, 2008, and the end of 2007 weren't kind to me, either. I want to have hope, but it's starting to slip from my grasp.

Even so, I'm going through the motions and I'm trying to do what needs to be done to change my life. As I write this, I'm in the process of vacating my home of the last five years -- out with the old. I will be leaving the place where, when not at the hospital, I hoped and prayed and cried over the tragic accident that left my dear cousin permanently mentally disabled . . . where I cried after my Gramma passed . . . after Ana passed . . . I'm leaving behind the 4 walls that made up my 'cave'. The one I barricaded myself in when the depression hit and overtook my life. That depression painted itself on the walls, piled itself on all of the surfaces of my apartment, and never let me forget it was there.

In with the new . . . I'm typing this from the living room of my new apartment. Many might think it's a big step down, but I disagree. Sure, it's about a fourth of the size of my old one, but it feel so much more like progress. It feels like attainable goals and baby steps. It doesn't feel like a cave.

So, while I still have a hard time feeling true hope for 2011, I haven't given up on trying anyway.

Goodbye, 2010. I'm not going to miss you.

Dear Ana

2010-04-29T14:43:00.003-05:00

Dear Ana,

I graduate in three weeks. on the evening of May 21st, I will walk across that stage in the IVCC gymnasium, and shake the hand of some school official as he or she hands me the degree I have struggled so hard to obtain over the last three years. Joe will be there watching me. As will Natalie and Josh, the Kayser's, and hopefully even Nicole. But you won't.

I can remember one day, not long before you died, I was sitting in your office at Freedom House before Thursday night children's group. I don't remember the topic of conversation -- most likely something about college -- but it doesn't matter anyway. You told me to 'Reach for the stars, baby, and you'll get 'em." You were one of the few people who have been able to make me actually believe that, and it's stuck with me. I can still hear you speaking those words, as if you were standing in front of me still.

When I was younger, I used to look at the people around me in my peer group. So many of them had already built up a bad reputation for themselves. Drugs, alcohol, violence, criminal activity, and teen pregnancies, among other things. Many of them grew up in households just like my own, where good parenting wasn't exactly a high priority and buying weed and beer with our last twenty bucks was higher on the list than feeding the children in the house. But despite the similarities in home lives, I didn't go down that road. Why? I figured out long ago that it was because they didn't have an Ana, and I did. They didn't have that person cheering them on, teaching them valuable life skills, making them feel included, and never making them feel like they weren't worthy. I used to tell people that the reason I wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere was because of you. I still believe that.

Though I still have a long way to go before I reach my ultimate dreams, I have already become more successful than I ever thought was possible for me. You played a large part in that. And now here I am, with graduation three weeks away, and I'm not even able to share that success with you.

It will be a joyous day for me, my graduation. I will feel great pride as I claim my hard-earned degree in front of my closest friends and loved ones. I will feel a rush of relief as the realization that I'm finally finished with this chapter of my life washes over me. I will feel anxiously hopeful as I ponder the great changes that are about to come at me in rapid succession. But there will also be a place, not-so-deep under the surface, that will be rife with sadness, grief, and longing. As my friends shake my hand, give me hugs, and congratulate me, I will occasionally make an unnoticed glance to that empty spot behind them where you should be standing, smiling at me, beaming with pride, and waiting to say "I told you so! I told you that you could do it!"

My life may go on without you, but without you, my life will never again be the same.

Passion flower in bloom

2010-04-14T00:41:00.003-05:00

Testing the photo adding capabilities of the app!

Also going to test the abilities of the Photoshop mobile app, while I'm at it!

I'm totally claiming this as a win!

Testing!

2010-04-14T00:36:00.001-05:00

I just downloaded a new iPhone app called Blogpress! Testing to see if it works!

Testing!

Testing!

Testing 1, 2, 3!

Rants of the day

2010-04-08T13:09:00.002-05:00

I try not to be a negative person, really, I do. I try to let things just roll off of my back and forget about them . . . but let's face it, sometimes everyone of us has days in which we want to tear off the face of the next person who looks at us. (What? That's not normal? I should seek counseling? Hmm . . . )

Today is one of those days for me. So, I'm going to rant.

Rant #1

Dear teeny-bopper in the white Lancer,

While I can appreciate what it's like being a hurry, nearly ending my life this morning because you couldn't seem to take three more seconds to stop at your stop sign and wait for me to pass by, instead causing me to skid my tires on the pavement with my car veering to slightly to the side to avoid smashing into you . . . wasn't cool. Not even a little. An occasional surge of adrenaline isn't necessarily a bad thing, but really, this wasn't the way I want to experience it. Now, do me a favor and think back to the first thing you learned in Driver's Ed . . . no, let's go back further -- PRESCHOOL! What must you always do in before safely crossing the road? That's right! Look both ways to make sure there isn't a car careening your direction at 60 MPH. Can you do that for me from now on? Thanks. 'Preciate it.

Yours truly,

Thankful to be Alive.

~~~~~~

Rant #2

Open letter to library patrons:

I'm assuming that if you're in a college library, you at least have a basic knowledge of how to read. Therefore, I'm also assuming you know what the words "Silent Zone" that's written on signs on all of the desks and tables in this section means. If, by some way, you do not, I will define it for you as per dictionary.com.

si·lent [sahy-luhnt]: –adjective
1. making no sound; quiet; still: a silent motor.
2. refraining from speech.
3. speechless; mute.

zone [zohn] –noun
1.
any continuous tract or area that differs in some respect, or is distinguished for some purpose, from adjoining tracts or areas, or within which certain distinctive circumstances exist or are established.

If you are still unclear on this issue, it means to shut the &*$# up.

It does not mean to form groups and loudly gossip about that guy whose name you can't remember who you think you might have slept with at the party last night. It also does not mean to use your cell phone to set up all of your doctor's appointments for the next five years. Believe it or not, it even means that you're not to listen to music or watch videos with audio through the speakers of your computer, rather than using headphones like a decent human being would. You may not believe it, but it's true.

Now, I know there seems to be a severe lack of abundance of places all around the college for getting into groups, talking on your cell phone, or watching noisy videos, and that this one and only small area on the entire campus that is designated as a silent zone is the only place you can seem to find to do all of these activities, but some of us come here because we don't study well with distractions. So, before taking that phone call, first take a look around you and notice all of the dirty looks and scowls you are receiving. You're getting them because right now, everyone hates you and wants to cram that stupid cell phone with that annoying Jonas Brothers ringtone down your throat. Please leave.

Thanks,

Annoyed in Illinois.

The March of Dimes

2010-04-07T16:12:00.008-05:00

For those of you unfamiliar, The March of Dimes is an organization dedicated to enhancing the health and wellness of babies. From their mission statement:

"Our mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality. We carry out this mission through research, community services, education and advocacy to save babies' lives. March of Dimes researchers, volunteers, educators, outreach workers and advocates work together to give all babies a fighting chance against the threats to their health: prematurity, birth defects, low birthweight."

This is a cause that I'm very passionate about, and this will be my third year walking in my local March for Babies event. The past two years I've walked with my school -- a very large team. This year I'm walking with a much smaller team, and reaching our goal won't be so easy. I'm taking it upon myself to do everything I can to assure that we not only reach our goal, but surpass it. I originally set a personal goal of $100, but have already reached that goal as of today with 18 days remaining. Therefore, I've doubled my goal, and need your help in reaching it! (again!)

It's very easy to donate: simply go to my March of Dimes personal fundraising page and you can use paypal or a credit card to donate any amount you choose, whether it's $5 or a scabillion (I swear that's a number, look it up! :P ). When done online, the money will go directly to The March of Dimes.

Please help me reach my goal! Babies (and their parents) around the world will thank you! ANY amount is appreciated!

Even just $5 helps, and every little bit is very much appreciated!

Thank you! :)

My February Phone Curse

2010-02-18T21:56:00.005-06:00

Last February I posted about dropping my iPhone and smashing the screen.

Today, history repeated itself, only thankfully on a much cheaper phone.

It fell under my recliner, and when I rocked forward to get up, I crushed it. The display lights up, but the phone doesn't work, unlike the iPhone, that works perfectly fine to this day. (As evidenced by the fact that these grainy pictures were TAKEN with the iPhone).

So, tomorrow I get to buy another cheapo phone to replace it, as I can't go without SOMETHING. Not exactly something I can afford right now. (If it was, I'd still have the iPhone hooked up!)

Before the cracked screen of my iPhone, I'd NEVER damaged any of the phones I've ever had. Though I guess it goes along with my ever-growing bad luck aura.

*sigh*

Golden Memories

2010-02-16T23:38:00.002-06:00

Four years ago at this time I was a few months into what would turn out to be the last year of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We'd already reached a point in which we needed to go our separate ways, but I wasn't ready to admit it yet.

I couldn't convince myself that he would never love me the way I wanted to be loved. We were growing more and more emotionally distant and becoming angry more often and for longer times.

Meanwhile, a month and a half earlier, right around New Years, I'd begun talking to some new people in the chatroom of the photography website of which we were all members.

There were three of us, total, who'd become instant friends despite physical distance. Me (obviously), Joe, and Sky. You've seen me write about them here often. Almost immediately we became inseparable . . . well, as inseparable as you can get when you mode of socialization is a forum and a chatroom. We'd talk everyday, for hours. About photography. About cars. About food. About life. About my withering relationship. I didn't know until then how close of a relationship you could form with someone over the internet.

Little did I know, but the bond I was forming with Joe and Sky was allowing me to slowly let go of the toxic relationship that was dragging me down and holding me back from truly being happy, though it would take the better part of a year before I finally broke away.

Some of my earliest and best memories of my friendship with Joe and Sky was during the 2006 Winter Olympics. The three of us would watch the events together, each of us in our own corner of the country, connected via our computers. I remember staying up until 4 in the morning talking a few times, even, and this was smack dab in the middle of the long stretch in which I had no insomnia problems.

When the 2010 Olympics started this past Friday, the memories of the early days of our friendship came flooding back, particularly my memories of the person whom I consider to be my best friend, Joe. Because of this, I've found that I'm more into the Olympics than I ever have been before. I suddenly started to remember names of athletes I hadn't thought of for four years. Bode Miller. Shaun White. And my favorite, Apolo Ohno.

On Saturday, I even got the chance to relive the memory. For the entire day -- I in smalltown Illinois, and Joe in Baltimore -- watched skiing, speed skating, and biathlon. I screamed over MSN when Apolo Ohno overtook an entire group of skaters with one swift move . . . of course, thanks to his satellite feed, I had to wait seven seconds before I 'screamed' at Joe, so I wouldn't give anything away.

We haven't been able to talk much lately, so it was wonderful to be able to spend so much quality time conversing with him. I've been happy and introspective ever since. Remembering more about that time of my life everyday. Analyzing the events that occurred then and since and how they have shaped my life.

The Winter Olympics have turned into something a little more special to me . . . a symbol of the friendship that saved my life.

The Splintered Mind

2010-02-15T23:18:00.001-06:00

During my entire 27 years, I have been a bit of a misfit.

In grade school I had little self confidence and spent much of my time daydreaming and doodling in the margins of my worksheets. I was always in trouble for my desk being a total mess, my homework being late, or not paying attention.

This continued throughout my primary school career.

In middle school or early high school, I began having issues with insomnia, though it only reared it's ugly head during the summers, when I didn't have a structured day.

Now, I'm an adult. I've been living on my own for 8 years. I have a bit more confidence these days, but I still find myself daydreaming . . . I even still find myself doodling here and there. I've gone through a few bouts of insomnia as an adult, as well, though until a year ago, I thought I had kicked that issue.

I start many projects, but rarely finish them. Often I get so overwhelmed that I don't work on them at all.

During the last 2 1/2 years of school, I struggled tremendously. During the rare times that I could focus, I could churn out incredible work, but most of the time, it took considerable effort to get things done. It's not that I wasn't interested in it, I just couldn't focus. I can't seem to sit down and do just one thing. I have to be doing several at once. When I watch movies or television, I'm also browsing the internet (or writing a blog post . . . ), or drawing, or painting.

I've never been diagnosed with ADD, but I feel it's only because neither my mother nor I have ever posed the question to a doctor.

Compound that with Depression, and the days become incredibly difficult to get through.

I've struggled with varying levels of Depression since I was quite young, as well, and after the numerous tragedies and stressful events over the last few years, it's been worse than ever.

A bit over a year ago, as I've written about here, a family member whom I was very close to died, and I reached my breaking point. I spent three weeks where I slept more than I was awake . . . and then swung the other way. I've had maddening insomnia ever since. It's seemed like there was no one that could truly understand how I felt.

Then a friend sent me the link to a blog written by someone with ADD, Depression, and Insomnia.

The Splintered Mind, written by Douglas Cootey, describes the trials and tribulations of the day to day life of someone dealing with many of the same things I struggle with.

I've so far only gotten through a few pages of his blog, but it's so much like looking in a mirror, it's scary. It is my hope that reading through his blog might give me a better insight into my own problems and how I can manage them better.

If anyone has any of the issues I've described above, I highly recommend checking out his blog!

Oh, Photography! How I've missed you!

2010-02-13T04:12:00.006-06:00

The photography bug bit me. At 2 A.M. When it was 8 degrees out.

BLOCKED!

2010-01-04T01:27:00.002-06:00

I so badly want to write. I so badly want to get back into regularly contributing to my blog . . . but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to do it.

I have so much stress building up inside . . . so much emotion . . . so much frustration . . . and I can't find a way to unblock it. I can't find a way to write about it.

Normally, I would put it all down in words so that I might better understand what is troubling me, but I can't even manage one emotional post. This is SO frustrating.

Hopefully I'll revive this blog again before long, but for now, you'll just have to accept my apologies for being absent.

In the blink of an eye . . .

2009-12-18T00:22:00.003-06:00

Does anyone really believe that I wrote THIS two and a half years ago already?

No?

Me neither . . .

Does anyone really believe that I did it?

. . . I'm struggling with that one, too.

My Theme Song

2009-12-03T21:45:00.001-06:00

Seems to sum me up quite well over the past several months . . .

Hot AND talented!

2009-10-27T17:51:00.003-05:00

I have another new obsession, I think. I only discovered him last night, but I can most certainly spot the early signs of an obsession.

The obsession's name? David Garrett.

David Garrett is a phenomenal violinist who can breathe amazing new life into both classical and pop pieces.

Oh, and he's hot.

I did mention that, right?

Within minutes of discovering him on Youtube last night, I was on Amazon buying one of his CD's. I cannot wait for it to arrive.

Here are a few vids:

On a television show in which he sets a new world record:

Smooth Criminal:

He's a Pirate:

Stigma

2009-10-05T22:58:00.003-05:00

While looking for media for our Psychology club's info booth power point for Mental Illness Awareness Week, a friend found the following video . . . I love it. :)

Dark thoughts

2009-09-09T22:19:00.005-05:00

It's been just over 9 months since Ana died, and yet, I still find myself on occasion gritting my teeth with anger over the unfair-ness of her death. I still have moments where something reminds me of a pleasant memory of her, and while recalling the memory, I think of her face . . . her voice . . . her kindness . . . and a feeling of utter disbelief overtakes me. No, she can't *really* be gone. That kind of thing only happens to other people.

She's still the first person I want to call when something really good happens in my life. I wish that split second of joy that I feel before remembering she's gone would last a little longer. During that split second, my mind is on how proud of me she is going to be after I tell her whatever good news I have to tell her. And then I remember, and I feel my heart and my joy sink, causing me dull physical pain in my chest and upper abdomen.

At the domestic violence shelter where Ana was employed for 20 years (and I, for 8) hangs a plaque. It states that part of her wish for all who pass through the doors of the shelter is for them to be "warm and fuzzy."

I always did feel warm and fuzzy there, too. It was Ana that gave that gift to me and so many others.

But right now . . . without her, I have a hard time even remembering what it feels like at all. And when I do have those moments where I start to feel again, I have the urge to share my joy with none other than Ana. And then the remembrance, the sinking, the anger, the sadness. It's a cycle I can't seem to break.

It's been 9 months, and I still don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life without the person I've always looked up to more than anyone else. Time heals all wounds they say . . . I'm not so sure about that.

USA the Franken Way!

2009-09-06T18:58:00.000-05:00

This is made of awesome

2009-09-05T20:58:00.001-05:00

A working NES controller coffee table!!! I WANT!!!!

More here: http://ultra-awesome.blogspot.com/2008/05/nes-coffee-table-final-post-rah.html

I pledge!

2009-09-03T23:58:00.000-05:00

ZeFrank tries to understand healthcare reform

2009-09-02T23:40:00.000-05:00

The miracle song!

2009-08-29T15:03:00.003-05:00

This song has been sung to the little ones in my family for YEARS. I'm told my Gramma sung it to my mom, aunts, and uncles, and I learned it when my mom would sing it to my little brother . . .

. . . and now I sing it to my very good friend Natalie's baby, too. It's a miracle song . . . if he's fussing, he quiets, if he's being stubborn during a meal and won't open up and eat, he eats. So far, it hasn't failed me once.

Mental Block?

2009-08-05T22:28:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure what it is, but I've been having a really hard time getting back into this blog. It's strange . . . I really WANT to write . . . and I have a lot going on in my life that can be written about . . . but I just can't seem to make myself write.

I have to wonder if it has to do with the stress level being at such a monumentally high level that the little bit of stress I feel when writing about (and therefore thinking about) these things is just enough to push me over the edge.

Even writing this post is like pulling teeth. I hate it. I want to write. I want to put my thoughts into words and work them out and understand them better like I usually do . . .

. . . but it's just not happening.

Sorry for being such a sucktacular blogger as of late, folks . . . I'm workin' on it.

August Hill

2009-07-25T11:56:00.001-05:00

Today I'm going to August Hill Winery with one of my best friends, Natalie, for a wine tasting. We've been looking forward to doing this for weeks now, but hadn't had the chance. I can't wait!

I won't have enough money on me to buy a bottle, but I hope to find one I like well enough that I can come back next week and get some!

I've never been much of a wine person, but on my last trip to the east coast (which I have yet to blog about) I found two different wines that I actually enjoyed! I'm looking forward to trying more and discovering what I like!

Another from Amnesty International

2009-06-26T12:15:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know I'm inundating you with Patrick Stewart, but I just found another from Amnesty International, and I think it's really well done.

Think before you speak

2009-06-26T04:40:00.002-05:00

It's about time we're seeing a bigger campaign against such offensive phrases.

Last one, I swear!

2009-06-26T01:25:00.000-05:00

B or not a B!

2009-06-26T01:17:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I'm on a bit of a Patrick Stewart kick.

Patrick Stewart on Domestic Violence

2009-06-20T01:37:00.007-05:00

I've always really liked Patrick Stewart, ever since I was obsessed with Star Trek: The Next Generation when I was a kid. It's recently begun playing again on a station I get in, and like I do with anything I become obsessed with, I started reading about the show and the actors on blogs and forums, to find other nerds like me.

Tonight, I started coming across bits and pieces about Patrick Stewart participating in an Amnesty International campaign about domestic violence.

As most people who know me are aware, domestic violence is an issue that is very close to my heart, as I grew up with it all around me. I was thrilled to find that one of my favorite actors spoke out against domestic violence.

Here he is speaking about how domestic violence has affected his life. He seems to get a little emotional here, and it really tugs at my heart strings.

Twenty-seven.

2009-06-16T23:52:00.001-05:00

In about seven minutes, it will be my birthday.

June 17th, 2009.

In the last year, I've lost one of the most important people in my life to a car accident. . . but not before telling her that I've always wanted to be just like her as I stood before her and a small crowd of scholarship donors in a private room of a fancy restaurant as I read my thank you speech for the 21st Century Scholars Society scholarship.

In the last year, I've developed a deep love for the German language, and a strong desire to continue learning it.

I've watched the ball drop in Time Square on New Year's Eve with two of the best friends I could ever ask for. I'd do it again in a second, despite standing outside shoulder to shoulder with thousands of strangers, with frozen extremities due to the two degree weather.

I've watched in awe as two more of my best friends brought the most perfect child into this world. I've marveled as they instantly became the two most loving and nurturing parents I've ever known.

In the past year, I've made the incredibly difficult decision to let go of someone I love, and let her make her own mistakes, instead of trying to take the responsibility of trying to shield her from everything.

I've fallen head over heels in love with Chicago.

I've suffered from moderately deep depression and insomnia.

I've felt my heart ripped out of my chest at the news that my uncle was in a terrible motorcycle accident, and utter relief when he began to slowly progress and heal.

I've learned that a real friend will always be there when you need him with a shoulder for you to cry on, and just the right words to encourage you to keep moving on, no matter what.

The past year has held tragedy and sorrow enough to blanket my world in shadow, and joy that can move the tallest mountains of the land.

I've learned that all of these things are a part of life.

My twenty-sixth year on earth was the hardest one I've endured so far, but as I enter my twenty-seventh, I'm a little stronger than I was before, and perhaps a little wiser, too. I'm more self-aware, and I'm better equipped to handle the bumps and potholes that lie ahead.

So, here's hoping that next year, I'm still holding my head high and learning from every high and every low that comes my way.

Happy birthday to me.

Haha! I didn't know Randall Munroe knew me!

2009-06-15T21:14:00.005-05:00

(Click to view larger)

Why We Fast

2009-05-09T11:56:00.004-05:00

The following is a video from Richard Branson talking about why he and others fast for Darfur. This is such an important issue, I hope others in the public eye follow suit.

I could get the video to embed, so CLICK HERE.

There is a storm coming . . .

2009-04-21T12:46:00.002-05:00

and I am scared. *snicker*

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Talented Kiddos

2009-04-05T15:54:00.005-05:00

I've neglected my blog lately . . . it needs a post.

I got distracted from my homework for a while . . . somehow the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" got stuck in my head, so I went searching for a good youtube video.

There, I found a video of 6 year old Connie Talbot: (the audio isn't the best . . . get's slightly squeaky when she hits high notes)

That led me to the 4 year old, Kaitlyn Maher:

And an 11 year old yodeler:

"The Cheeky Monkeys" 8 and 9 year old dancing couple!

10 year old comedian Jake Pratt!

Dominic Smith sings "I'll Be There":

And for now I'll end with the PHENOMENAL 4 year old gymnast, doing a Tina Turner dance!

Edit: Ok, I lied. Here's a few more!

Brendan MacFarlane! HOLY CRAP! This child is spectacular!

Ditto for this kid! Declan Galbraith!

Life is like a hurricane!

2009-03-10T20:49:00.002-05:00

Cartoons rocked so much harder when I was a kid. :)

The obsession rages on . . .

2009-02-23T20:06:00.004-06:00

If you ever see this man knocking at my door . . .

. . . give it a few days before you try and contact me. :P

(What? So he's a little older than me, and the lead singer of a huge metal band in Germany . . . so what!? )

And as I said in my first post about them, something that probably comes as a bit of a surprise to most . . . the man in the above picture, Till Lindemann, the lead singer of Rammstein . . . growling, muscle-bound, leather-wearing, pyromaniac Till Lindemann . . . is also a poet.

I found his book, "Messer," on ebay for fairly cheap. :) I can't wait til it comes in.

I also mentioned in my last post that is was my friend Josh who loaned me "Reise, Reise," a week and a half ago and started this addiction. He's now essentially become my dealer, slowly introducing me to more and more, making sure I get my next fix. This week he loaned me the CD and DVD from thier Völkerball tour. Haven't had a chance to watch the DVD yet, but I'm looking forward to it!

Expect to hear more from me about Rammstein, Till Lindemann, and Messer in the future!

(I should also mention that I'm half tempted to edit that picture and put a lolcat-style caption on it that says "INVISIBLE BOOBIES!" :P )

Cheesy, I know.

2009-02-21T15:37:00.006-06:00

Q: How many psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change!

* * *

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many do you think it takes?

* * *

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychologist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

* * *

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"Ok, he's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"

* * *

A psychologist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychologist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

Rammstein

2009-02-19T10:28:00.003-06:00

Rammstein is my new addiction.

It's an unlikely attraction for me. An often hyper-masculine industrial metal band who perform almost entirely in German. Grit and grime and sex and violence are the primary themes of thier videos and songs.

I like ponies and rainbows and fluffy kittens . . . so why am I so hopelessy addicted to this group? Other than the fact that it's a way to get better at my German, of course :P

Whatever the reason, I can't seem to get enough of them. I've been familiar with thier song "Mutter" for several years now, but have never really thought I'd be able to get into thier other, heavier stuff. Friday I asked my friend Josh, a long-time fan, if he could recommend some more songs from them that might be similar in style to "Mutter," figuring that listening to them might help me practice my German. Instead, he just loaned me a CD and sent it home with me to listen to on my own. Saturday afternoon, I put it in while cooking . . . and quickly found that I really liked several of the songs! After letting the CD go through twice, I had to hear more. I plugged Rammstein into youtube, and came up with several long playlists. I pressed play, and I was done for.

The songs themselves were one thing, but the videos were completely captivating. So dark and gritty and often gruesome . . . and always telling a story of some sort. And it doesn't seem to matter how many times I've seen the video, there are several of them that I have to stop and watch when they come on. It's decreasing my productivity exponentially.

A couple of good examples (these are also examples of thier lighter stuff) are:

Rosenrot

Ohne Dich

Another thing that strikes me about them, is how much thier look changes from video to video, especially that of the lead singer, Till Lindemann. From a shaved head, to slicked back hair, to a mohawk. From interesting leather get-ups, to business suits, to birthday suits, to flaming trench coats. I can't imagine thier shows being anything less than amazing.

And after listening to thier music and becoming completely enraptured by them over the last week, it came as a surprise to me last night as I was reading through Till Lindemann's Wiki, and I discovered that, aside from being the frontman for an industrial metal band, he is also a published poet. His book, Messer, sells new on Amazon.com for $70!

I want it.

All said, I'm not really sure I mind this addiction. I'm glad I finally made the leap and explored more of thier music. I'm looking forward to eventually reading Till Lindemann's poems, as well, becuase I will get that book! :P

Oh, and one final note . . . if you decide you'd like to watch some videos, too (other than those posted above), be sure to do it when no kids are around. Much of thier stuff is not kid safe!

Insomnia

2009-02-17T11:58:00.002-06:00

It's maddening.

Each night, as the seconds tick away, and you're still not sleeping, as the exhaustion creeps in, the frustration builds as you realize what your day is going to be like tomorrow. You realize how hard it's going to be to get up in two hours in order to make it to your first class. You realize you probably won't make it to your first class. You think about how hard it's going to be to pay attention through your second class. You worry about whether or not your boss will notice your decreased productivity. You wonder what problems or arguments your increased emotional sensitivity will get you into. You try to see the bright side -- at least you'll be tired enough the next night, that you'll sleep well. Won't you?

No. The next night, you'll watch as the clock hits 3am . . . 4am . . .

Or maybe that's just my experience.

Either way, it's maddening.

Why so angry!?

2009-02-08T15:10:00.005-06:00

So, on occasion when I'm supremely bored or trying to avoid life, I like to find a mindless flash game of some sort to waste my time away. Years ago I found Fetchfido, a great website with hundreds of games to play, sorted by flash and shockwave.

This website has obliterated hours upon hours of what could have been time spent doing productive things. Some of the games are 'meh,' but there are so many that are simple yet highly addictive.

But there's one thing I've learned while searching through these games . . . there are some ANGRY video game developers out there! Games like Ant City, where you're holding a giant magnifying glass over a city, and you focus it on the people and cars below to destroy them as they are going about thier business. (Make sure you see what happens when you get the helicopter)

Or how about Nuclear Eagle, the game where you're a giant eagle, plucking the frightened townspeople up from the ground and tossing them up into your nest to feed your hungry babies? (Needy little freaks, they are.)

I mean, seriously, who comes up with this stuff?

Oh, and I want to set something straight, here and now: Midgets are people, too! Who is the sick bastard that thought it would be fun to create a Midget Tossing game? And to accompany it with a song that says "Short people have no reason to live?" You're mommy didn't give you much love as a child, did she? (Contrary to popular belief, midgets fly through the air quite nicely, btw.)

Occasionally I cheat on Fetchfido with other sites . . . that's how I found Twisted Nipples. Yes, you read that correctly. TWISTED NIPPLES! The goal is to twist the nipples of the fat man's man-boobs as violently as possible before he breaks away. I'd really like to know what happened to the creator to inspire such a sick and twisted (heh, get it . . . twisted . . . ) game. Or, maybe I don't.

My latest discovery? Chain of Fire. In this game, you get points for setting a person on fire, setting off a chain reaction for each person he bumps into and gets engulfed in flames. You have to get a certain amount of points before advancing to the next level. This game is particularly heinous, considering there are SEVENTY LEVELS! Seventy levels of burning people alive. It sort of starts to make you think not only about the angry, pathetic lives led by the people who creat such games, but also about the people who would lower themselves to actually PLAY them. (Level 31 is particularly difficult.)

My message to those of you who commit such atrocities . . . seek help. Now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have another 15 levels to complete. .

The Internet -- A new fad!

2009-02-07T13:07:00.001-06:00

Someone posted this on one of the forums I frequent!

Please don't divorce my friends.

2009-02-06T23:34:00.000-06:00

It could happen to you . . .

2009-02-03T17:43:00.006-06:00

I have never properly introduced you guys to my baby. My pride and joy. The apple of my eye. I read her bedtime stories and give her a kiss goodnight every night. I love her.

She is my iPhone. This was her just 2 days ago.

I take wonderful care of her. I keep her safe and clean, and make sure she gets a good night's charge every night. She almost never leaves my side.

But as I tragically found out today, accidents can happen even under the most watchful eye.

Be careful, everyone. Cherish every moment you have with your beloved gadget, because it could happen to you, too.

(and uh . . . I don't really read it bedtime stories and kiss it goodnight. I'm not *that* weird!)

Celebrity Obsession

2009-02-02T23:59:00.004-06:00

I'm not one to have celebrity obsessions, (Ok, maybe I had a lot of them in high school, but not these days!) but I think I have one now.

After re-watching the Lord of the Rings series, I was quickly reminded of how much I lust after Viggo Mortenson . . . but this time, the actor who plays Faramir, David Wenham, caught my eye, too, so I looked him up . . .

. . . totally drool worthy!

I'm doing it again . . .

2009-02-02T23:51:00.004-06:00

I'm needlessly depriving myself of sleep. Often on weekdays I lose out on sleep for the reasons that are fully expected of a college student: homework up the wazoo!

On weekends, I catch up on sleep usually, but do it in a manner that messes up my sleep patterns for the rest of the week, regardless of the homework situation. I'm a night person. Always have been. So the weekend comes, and I stay up late. It doesn't matter how tired I am, I almost never go to bed at a decent hour. The last few weekends I've ended up staying awake until nearly dawn. Why? I have no idea. It just happens.

Sunday night rolls around, and I should be getting to bed at a decent hour so I can get up early on Monday . . . but since I stayed up until 4:30am the night before and slept until noon or later, I CAN'T SLEEP!

So I drag myself into school on 2 or 3 hours of sleep, feel horrible all day, and go home to a mountain of homework . . . that keeps me up until who knows when. I usually (not always) get more than 2 hours of sleep unless I'm working on a term paper or some other big project, but because I didn't get to catch up after getting so little sleep the night before . . . I walk into school even more of a zombie on Tuesday.

Often by the end of the week, I'm starting to get a little more evened out. Then Friday comes around . . . and I stay up far too late . . . and sleep in far too late . . . and the process starts all over again.

Going to bed at a decent hour should be simple, right? For me, it's not, and I don't know why.

*sigh*

Tomorrow's gonna suck. *yawn*

Absence

2009-02-01T21:53:00.002-06:00

Well, I've not really posted on my blog much in almost two months, for a variety of reasons. The first reason was an incident that happened that made me feel like my blog wasn't much of a safe haven anymore. I know that everything I write here is public, and I write with that knowledge in mind. However, there are one or two whom I thought would never find my blog, who did.

I've found it very hard to open up to certain people, so I've found it very difficult to post here.

The other reason I've not been around much is due to the emotional roller coaster I've endured since losing Ana. When I write, often I am pouring out my emotions, whether they be happy, sad, or confuddled. Putting my emotions into words has always been a good way for me to sort out and better understand what I'm going through.

However, doing so forces me to face whatever emotions are trying to come out. The emotions that I have been wrestling with since Ana's death are dark and cold and unlike anything I've ever dealt with. I've spent most of my time trying to find ways to avoid confronting them. Therefore, writing has been out of the question.

But I can only avoid them for so long before it becomes unhealthy. At some point I have to face what it going on, despite the agonizing emotional pain that comes with it.

Besides that . . . I've missed my blog.

So, I'm going to try and post more. About school. About my friends. About politics. About my hopes and dreams. And about Ana.

Open Letter to Old Man Winter

2009-01-19T18:03:00.002-06:00

Dear Old Man Winter,

I've had enough of you. Go away.

Signed,

Freezing in Illinois

How much tragedy can one family take?

2008-12-26T21:44:00.005-06:00

Those of you who read my blog are well aware of the horrible tragedy that struck my family a year ago when my little cousin Nicole was hit by a car.

One week after that, my grandmother passed away.

And then, almost three weeks ago . . . a year and a day after my gramma passed away, tragedy struck again.

On December 8th, 2008, Ana -- Nicole's mom and my hero -- was killed in a single vehicle accident when she hit a patch of black ice on her way to work.

It's been almost three weeks, and it still doesn't feel real to me. I can still here her voice in my head, clear as day. I can still imagine her face as if she were standing right next to me. I still expect to see her when I go into the domestic violence shelter where we both worked.

When I think about the things we'd normally talk about on Thursdays when I'd stop in her office before I clocked in, I can still imagine her responses and her reactions to the things I'd have to say . . . how when I'd tell her about a guy I was attracted to and flirting with, she'd always ask "Is he a good kisser!?" Or how when I'd vent about how tired I was from working so much while trying to go to school full-time, and still being unable to keep up on bills . . . and she'd ask me if I wanted her to hit my dad up for money! Heh . . . she always made sure I was taken care of.

And when I'd talk about school . . . about my achievements and my future goals . . . she'd tell me to reach for the stars, and I'd get them. She'd tell me that I was soaring, and that she was so proud of me.

I wanted so much to make her proud of me. And she was. She never missed an opportunity to make that fact abundantly clear. Her encouragement was genuine and true, and it was never ending. To have someone whom I've looked up to so much for so many years believe in me as much as she did was an amazing gift that I would never even think about taking for granted.

I felt I owed so much of my success in life to her, that when I recieved my big scholarship this past fall, it was her and Nicole that I asked to be my guests at the awards dinner. And during my speech that night, it was during the part in which I was thanking Ana for her years of support, and telling her that I've always wanted to be just like her that I broke down crying.

The emotions that came along with telling my hero that she was, in fact, my hero, were just overwhelming.

How did this relationship come to be? How did she become my hero?

I met Ana when I was 8. She was in a relationship with my cousin Mike, and was about to give birth to Nicole. My home life at that point in time wasn't exactly stellar. My mother was in a physically abusive relationship, and I was around drugs and alcohol in abundance. Every other weekend my older brother and I had visitation with my dad. Dad drove a semi, long-haul, for a company out of St. Louis, and didn't really have an actual home at the time, so on the weekends he had us, we stayed with family. When I was 8, we started staying down on my cousin Mike's farm.

I was in heaven. It instantly became my favorite place on earth, and not just because it was a big farm with lots of animals. Ana treated me differently than the other adults in my life did. She made me feel welcome and accepted and never excluded. She taught me things . . . we'd cook, we'd sew, we'd use tools and build animal hutches for the various creatures that would always make thier way down to the farm that I've always referred to as my oasis. She taught me those things that I was severely lacking . . . life skills.

More than anything else, she taught me how a healthy couple should behave.

I can remember one time, sitting on the couch watching a movie. I could hear Mike and Ana in the bedroom arguing over something. I remember feeling so scared I was sick to my stomach. The more thier voices raised, the stiffer I sat, deathly afraid of what was to come. After all, everytime that happened at home, it ended with bruises and blood.

And then, after a while, Ana cracked a joke, and Mike laughed. Next thing I knew, they were both giggling and being silly.

Ana taught me that people can disagree and still love each other . . . and not hurt one another.

Life didn't have to be about jealousy or drugs and alcohol or power and control. Love didn't mean to obey your spouse or get hit.

I wasn't lying when I said in my speech that I wanted to be just like her. And it started then. Ana worked as an advocate at a domestic violence shelter. I knew by the time I was 14, that I wanted to do the same thing, except with a psychology degree. I job shadowed her in high school, and when I turned 18 and was old enough to do so, I took the 80 hour volunteer training course required to work or volunteer at the shelter. Before I was done with that course, I had a job lined up there. For the past 7 years, I've had the pleasure of working alongside my hero, helping victims of domestic violence.

She was my hero when I was 8, and she will be my hero until the day that I die.

It still hasn't really hit me that she's gone. I don't know when it will sink in and become a reality. A big part of me still refuses to admit that I'll never again hear her voice . . . that she'll never again be there to tell me that I can do whatever I want to do in life.

I love her and I miss her, and there will always be a hole in my life where she belonged.

I hope you are well, up in heaven, Ana. I hope you are up there with Lori, watching us . . . watching your daughter walk for the first time since nearly losing her in her accident a year ago . . . watching me do my best to keep making you proud.

Taking a break, it seems . . .

2008-12-07T22:52:00.002-06:00

It's come to my attention that I can no longer safely open up on my blog, so if you don't see any posts from me for a while, that's why.

Be safe in this icy weather, everyone!

So, what do you do when it's the middle of winter, and there's nothing worthwhile going on?

2008-12-07T02:32:00.002-06:00

You wreak retail havoc!

You surrender to your hunger at the rootbeer stand . . .

You test the furniture at Target . . .

You chow down some more at Steak 'n' Shake . . .

You nap at Starbucks . . .

You play Guitar Hero for an hour in the electronics department of Walmart . . .

You, um . . .

. . . well, nevermind!

Prop 8: The Musical

2008-12-03T21:38:00.005-06:00

Found this on one of the many forums I frequent!

Jack Black as Jesus . . . PERFECT!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

One Year.

2008-11-30T18:09:00.012-06:00

(Written Sunday, November 30th, but didn't get around to posting it until today)
A year ago today, my world came crashing down on me.

A year ago today, my nightmares came true.

A year ago today, something I never thought would happen, happened.

A year ago today, my little cousin Nicole . . . the light of my life since I was eight . . . was hit by a car and severely injured. The pain, the desperation, the hopelessness I felt that night and in the months after that is indescribable. I almost feel guilty talking about my pain . . . knowing that the physical pain that Nicole was going through was so much more than I could even imagine . . . which hurt me even more.

Looking at the early pictures is painful, too.

I remember so well the hours and hours I spent standing at her bedside, praying she'd wake up. I remember so well the doctors and nurses telling us not to get our hopes up. I remember the 'V' word being mentioned, in hushed tones. I remember all of those times I made that hour long drive home, navigating the entire way through tears.

I can recall how happy I was when she started opening her eyes . . . even though she couldn't focus them on anything.

And then very slowly, more and more signs of recovery. How great it felt when she started holding tight to my hand, and looking at me, not through me.

She fought through obstacle after obstacle, from MRSA infections to siezures . . . it was a struggle, but nothing stopped her.

The first time I saw her respond to direction (look at the thumbs up!) I spent another tearful drive home . . . only it was tears of joy this time.

And just look at those gorgeous eyes.

There were so many nights I went home totally emotionally drained, thinking I couldn't feel any more empty . . . dead inside . . . it was those little milestones that kepts us all going . . . that fueled that faint glimmer of hope we all clung to so desperately. I can't tell you how many nights I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning pouring my heart out to my friends and loved ones who held me up through the entire ordeal. But Nicole's strong will pulled us all through.

After 5 months in the hospital, Nicole was transferred to the Walter Lawson Children's home, where she was expected to live until she turned 18 (which was only a little over a month away). The doctors told us she would need lifelong skilled care.

Little did they know that within the first few hours at Walter Lawson, the angels that work there helped Nicole to prove the doctors wrong. They began testing her abilities, and we quickly found out that she had the capacity to do way more than any of us had dreamed.

And then came the happiest day of my life. The first day I visited her at Walter Lawson. Her mom, dad, and friend Ryan were all on thier way, but I got there a couple of hours earlier. She was worn out from therapy, and slept for a good portion of the time . . . but I can so clearly remember when she took my hand and brought it up to her face and kissed it not once, but three times. When Mom, Dad, and Ryan got there, they had a suprise for her . . . they brought her puppy, Gypsy, and her Guinea Pig, Cocopuff.

When they came in, Nicole's eyes lit up, and she smiled the biggest, most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my life. Seeing her smile for the first time made my heart burst with joy.

That alone was enough to make it the best day of my life, but it didn't end there.

She fed herself, and drank by herself . . .

. . . and no, that still wasn't it. After dinner that day, I thought she might like to color . . . I thought it might help with her motor skills. I figured she might be able to scribble around a bit.

But much to our surprise . . .

If you can't read it, it says "I love you guys so much."

Indeed, Nicole was not destined to stay there forever. After only a few short weeks, they moved her to Marionjoy Rehabilitation Center, not to live out her days, but to rehabilitate her enough to go home.

Home! That's a word we never thought we'd hear in reference to Nicole.

She soared at Marionjoy, and we had a lot of fun on our visits . . . from watergun fights, to board games, to playing "hide Dad's hat."

We spent her 18th birthday in Marionjoy . . .

She started getting anxious to come home. She'd beg us to stay, and she'd get really upset when we left . . . but that strong will of hers kept showing through, and she got better and better . . .

July 3rd, after 7 months in hospitals and rehab centers, she came home. How symbolic, coming home the day before Independence Day!

. . . and everyday since then has been a miracle for all of us. The old Nicole shines through more and more each day . . .

Recently, Nicole had surgery to try and correct the atrophy that was bending her foot up into a pretzel. So far, so good . . . we're hoping her foot continues to stay straight, and we won't have any problems with that anymore. In the meantime, she's starting to put weight on it, and slowly starting to use crutches to get around more and more, relying on her wheelchair less and less.

Now to backtrack a bit . . .

When Nicole first went into the hospital, we were basically living in the Neurological Intensive Care waiting room . . . the morning after we set up camp, a wonderful man named Alberto joined our family, too. He, his wife, and his son had all been in an accident, leaving his wife paralyzed from the waist down. Just as in our case, those first few weeks were very difficult for him and his family to get through. Our families bonded, supported each other, took care of each other, and cried with each other. Alberto is from Chicago, and owns a mexican bakery.

Before Nicole ever woke up, I told her about him. I told her that when she was better, we were going to go up to Chicago and go to Alberto's bakery for some tasty treats.

It'll be more than a year in the making when it happens, but, as you can see by this long photo story I've written out . . . it WILL happen.

Nicole is a living, breathing miracle, and not a day goes by that I don't thank the heavens that she is still here with us. Not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for the hundreds of people that rallied around her and prayed for her and cheered her on and never gave up on her.

Not a day goes by that I don't cherish every moment that I have with her.

November 30th, 2008. One year since that horrible accident. I spent the day with Nicole, cuddled up on the couch during a snowstorm, watching movies, eating good food, and helping her set up her new Myspace page. A boring day to some, but I had to keep myself from getting choked up on several occasions. I never thought I would be so thankful for such simple moments.

Here's to a year of sorrow and joy, tragedy and triumph . . . and miracles upon miracles.

I <3 Rick Astley

2008-11-29T02:28:00.002-06:00

Thanks to Stacey for passing this along!

GREATEST RICKROLL EVER!!!!!

That's the REAL Rick Astley, folks!!! At the Macy's Parade! How freaking awesome is that!?

I have thanks to give.

2008-11-27T00:39:00.004-06:00

Last year I posted my obligitory 'what am I thankful for' post on Thanksgiving, and I think I'll do that again this year, starting with some updates on last year's post.

The first thing I mentioned in last year's post was the time that I had been able to spend with my Gramma in the several months previous. Just a couple of weeks later, my Gramma passed away, making that time that I was able to have with her that much more special. I'm having a hard time believing that it's already been almost a year . . . some days I almost forget that she's gone. This year, I am thankful that my Gramma lived a long life, filled with family and love. I am thankful that I have so many wonderful experiences to remember her by.

In last year's post, I mentioned my teachers that have been so great. This year, I can add to that quite a bit. As I mentioned, not long after Thanksgiving last year, Gramma passed away . . . but a week before that, my little cousin was in a horrible accident (something I've written about here often). If it weren't for my teachers and councelors at school, I'd have had a much harder time getting through it. First and foremost was my English teacher at the time, Mr. Lockwood. I already thought he was a great teacher, but after Nicole's accident, he went above and beyond to make sure I made it through my most difficult time . . . not only that I survived it emotionally, but also that I survived it without giving up all I had worked for at school. He was always there with an encouraging word, a prayer, or homework/school advice. To this day, I consider him to be one of my closest allies at IVCC. He has assisted me by giving me advice on several papers that weren't even for his class . . . he played a major part in the scholarships I recieved . . . and he is a big part of the reason I haven't had a complete nervous break down at school when things are getting to be too much.

And he's just one of the great people I've been blessed with at school. There are several others there that have helped to change my life, and to encourage me to become a better person . . . my Anthropology teacher from spring semester . . . my music teacher from last fall . . . my English II teacher, who still emails me with books she thinks I'd like, or scholarships she thinks I am perfect for . . . my co-workers in the financial aid office . . . my Geology teacher who has the ability to make me enjoy learning about a subject that is supremely boring for me (Sorry Mr. Phillips!) He's also my College Democrats Advisor, so I've gotten to have a lot of fun with him this semester. The list doesn't end there, either . . . but if I named everyone, I'd be here all night!

I'm thankful for a small group of friends I met on one of my forums whom I have become incredibly close with. They've been there with me through everything for more than two years now, supporting me when I need it, and telling me I'm being an idiot, when I need it. ;) I'm honestly not sure what I'd do if I didn't have them there for me.

I'm thankful that I got the chance to get so involved in politics this year. I learned so much, experienced so many great things, and met some truly wonderful people who I am now proud to call my friends. I'm also thankful that our efforts paid off.

I'm thankful for the friends I've been blessed with from all around the world. Once, I never thought you could have a true friend that you'd never met in real life before, but I can't tell you how many good people I've 'met' on the internet, who I grew to truly care about. And I have to say, it's endless entertainment discussing language differences with my favorite Aussie, Ian! I'm gonna know all the lingo if I go there someday! :P

I'm always thankful for Joe and Sky, my two best friends. I couldn't begin to explain how much those two have changed my life. Joe in particular. Enduring Nicole's accident would have been difficult without my teachers and friends who supported me . . . but it would have been downright impossible without him. I can still remember that day . . . the third day after Nicole's accident . . . when that awful nurse implied that we'd be meeting with the Dr. the next day to discuss pulling the plug . . . every one of us had the feeling of losing all hope . . . we were so empty . . . so dead inside . . . we couldn't stop sobbing for hours on end. That's not an exaggeration. When the priest came into the waiting room, I totally lost it, and had to leave the room. I called Joe, who was incredibly busy with finals at the time . . . and he took the time to listen to me. He didn't talk much . . . he didn't have to . . . and probably couldn't have if he tried . . . because I was just sitting there on the floor at the end of a long corridor of the Neurological Critical Care Unit, with my head on my knees, sobbing uncontrollably into the phone. He didn't have to talk. The fact that he was there, on the other end of that phone, was all I needed to make it through that dreadful night. I know Joe knows how much he means to me and how thankful I am for all he's done for me . . . but I don't think it's possible for him to ever know how thankful I am that he was there for me that night . . . just listening to me sob. He is an amazing friend, and I couldn't ask for anything better.

And that brings me to the thing I am the most thankful for this year. Nicole.

I wish I knew the name of that nurse that implied that the meeting we were having with the Dr. the next day was to discuss pulling the plug. I wish I could tell her the pain that she inflicted on so many of us that were already feeling like they couldn't hurt anymore.

That nurse was wrong, and she had no business saying the things she did.

We didn't discuss pulling the plug. We didn't listen to anyone who put a limit on how far they felt Nicole could come . . . and neither did Nicole. Nicole didn't listen when they said she might not live. She didn't listen when they said she might never come out of her coma. She didn't listen when they said she'd be a vegetable for the rest of her life. She didn't listen when they said she would live out her days in an institution.

I'm so very thankful that Nicole didn't listen to any of those people. I'm so very thankful that Nicole came home on July 3rd, after 7 months in hospitals and rehab centers. July 3rd. Her Independence Day.

I think it's safe to say that I have more to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day than any Thanksgiving I've ever had. What a wonderful time to be alive.

Halfway there!

2008-11-26T01:10:00.002-06:00

Believe it or not, once upon a time, I ate healthy, and worked out very regularly. No! Really! I did! Up until almost exactly a year ago, actually, when my life was drastically changed, and the time for exercise disappeared, and the need for comfort food increased exponentially.

So, I've gotten a little out of shape. Just a little. Not much. At all. I swear. (Ok, I'm downright fat).

I am DETERMINED to get back to where I was a year ago. Back to working out 6 hours a week (ok, at least 3). Back to eating a moderately healthy diet. Back to feeling good about myself.

I've tried on more than one occasion in the past year to get into my groove again, but thus far I've failed every time. I decided a couple of weeks ago to try something I used to do when I was younger and I was feeling unhealthy . . . it always worked as a jumpstart for all of the other aspects of getting in shape. I'm going on a soda fast. I've gotten to the point where I'm drinking it WAY too much. I've been running myself ragged, and everytime I need a little pick-me-up . . . head to the vending machine! Must have caffiene!

I had to put a stop to it.

I'm now on day 15 of what I planned on being a 30 day soda fast. And it's working. I'm already eating better all around, without putting much thought into it. I'm no longer craving sweets nearly as much as I did before. I'm *really* wanting to get back into my regular workout routine . . . in fact, that's what I'm craving now.

Halfway through, and I've only barely begun to do the other things . . . and I'm already feeling great. I might just have to push myself a little further . . . two months, perhaps?

Hopefully I will have updates on continued progress in the future! Summer is comin' (humor me, I hate winter, and I have to keep myself going somehow!), and I wanna look GOOOD! :P

What is love? (Baby don't hurt me!)

2008-11-25T23:25:00.003-06:00

This is going to be another one of those "What is love to me?" posts. Only this one is a blast from the past for me. I was just in my storage room looking through some old boxes, and I found something I wrote about 8-9 years ago. Thought I'd post it up for y'all. ;) It's a little cheesy, I know.

"What does it mean to truly love someone? What does it mean to me, deep in my heart? It means letting down my guard, tearing down the emotionless, stone walls that protect my heart. It means learning to take the risk of getting hurt. Baring my soul completely, leaving my innermost desires and fears vulnerable to manipulation and deceit, or to love and encouragement. It means not holding back anything and giving my all. For an inhibited love is not true love, but instead, fear. Fear of what? That's different for everyone and every situation. It could be a fear of change, a fear of unrequited love, a fear that if you take that leap, you will lose other things that you hold dear.

When you love someone, you don't hide your insecurities, because that person doesn't make you feel insecure. Love is confidence. Love is optimism. Love doesn't think the glass is half empty or half full . . . the glass is overflowing. And love never stops growing. it's boundless, and it's our duty to test that theory all the time. Pushing it further and further, and if we think we've hit a boundary and can love no more, we must break that boundary.

Love is willing to sacrifice. A true love involves both sides giving up certain things to make the other one happy, until a common ground is reached. Love is patience. A love quick to anger, quick to accuse, isn't love -- it's jealousy, and it's a fight for control over the other person. True love, though, stops to think and to understand. It's forgiving. It's honest. That's what true love is to me."

See? Told ya it was cheesy. ;)

N.I.T.

2008-11-24T16:57:00.007-06:00

I don't know if I've ever told you guys this, but I'm an N.I.T. (That's Nerd In Training). It's true.

My trainers are Nerds Extraordinaire, Sky and Joe, pictured here:

One of the many nerdy things these two turned me on to is the nerdilicious webcomic XKCD.

As the description states . . . it's a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language. Something to appeal to everyone. It's incredible how the young author, (younger than me!) Randall Munroe, can come up with such clever and witty comics every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, without fail.

I can't tell you how often I've logged on to read his latest offering, only to be cleaning whatever I was drinking at the time off of my monitor moments later. You should check XKCD out! Here's the latest:

(click to view larger)

Obama, stirring up controversy already!

2008-11-23T19:15:00.003-06:00

So, he hasn't even taken over for the office of the presidency, and he's already stirrin' up the controversy!

Read for yourself: Obama's use of complete sentences stirs controversy

A friend passed that little gem along, and I got a kick out of it! Though you might, too!

A recent youtube discovery

2008-11-23T17:05:00.021-06:00

So, this morning I was chatting with my friend Ian, and he linked me to a youtube video of some people singing the Beatles song, "Across the Universe."

Now, I know . . . millions of people put up crappy youtube videos of themselves covering famous songs. But the difference is, these guys aren't too bad, and they seem to be gaining attention.

Here's the video of Wade Johnston, Julia Nunes and friends singing "Across the Universe."

Next, Ian started telling me about a stop-motion video Julia Nunes did. This is pretty damn cool!

I haven't yet had time to look through more of thier videos, but I'm looking forward to it! I have a feeling these guys are gonna go somewhere! (In fact, I believe they even did Youtube Live last night!)

So . . . sore . . .

2008-11-23T13:28:00.021-06:00

So, Friday night was an interesting night. I met up with my Democrat buddies, and we hung out all night for the first time since the election. Pizza hut (ack), a movie (Role Models . . . HILARIOUS!), and karaoke and dancing. And dancing. And more dancing.

Have I ever told you guys that I like to dance?

Well, I do, but it's been a while for me. Let me just tell you, my muscles aren't too happy with me! I am SO SORE!!!

Since I've been so busy with everything lately, my life has been a little more sedate than I'd prefer. My muscles are no longer used to actually doing WORK. They've been living the easy life. So, when "Baby Got Back" came on, and I couldn't resist making a fool out of myself and danced my little behind off, I overdid it just a bit . . . I'm paying for it now. I can hardly go down the stairs! If I end up sitting on the floor for some reason, Lord only knows how I'll get back up!

But it was SO worth it. It's been quite some time since I've had this much fun. I can't wait to do it again!

I got a few pictures with my iPhone, but they're HORRIBLE quality!

My favorite picture of the night: Mike, my dance partner, and Brian . . . the little and the big, together in one picture! (watch Role Models, you'll understand that one! :P

Brian, workin' the hat. Brian loves his hat.

So does Mike, apparently. (I REALLY wish this one was taken with a better camera!)

Mike loves Karaoke. This is one of the many MANY songs that he butchered. (By butchered, I mean changed all of the words to it to create his own funny song . . . made for a lot of laughs, actually!)

Brie and Brian

Ha, the look he's giving me makes me laugh! :P

No pictures of me. It was strange . . . I looked good that night, but every picture I took of me I looked like hell!

Day One

2008-11-19T22:58:00.055-06:00

A friend posted this on one of the forums I frequent. I *love* it!

The Last Lecture

2008-11-18T21:55:00.004-06:00

Another powerful and moving thing I took from class today was The Last Lecture. We only watched the first 20 minutes in class, but I just couldn't wait to finish watching it when I got home.

The premise behind The Last Lecture is basically asking teachers the question: "If you knew you were about to give your last lecture, what would you talk about?"

Well, in Randy Pausch's case, it wasn't a very far stretch. At the time of this lecture, he'd been diagnosed with cancer and only had a few months to live.

His lecture is about achieving your childhood dreams. He talks about his childhood dreams, how he went about achieving each of them, and how he helped others achieve thiers. He delivers his message in a unique and profound way, and kept me laughing throughout the entire thing. So many of the things he says made me stop and go "Wow . . . I never thought about it that way."

I sat here glued to my computer screen, soaking in every last bit of wisdom he had to dole out (which was a pretty generous helping) until the very end. I'm now sitting here with tears streaming down my face after watching this heartfelt and profound lecture.

It's long, I know, but please watch it. Break it up into segments if you have to, but watch it. And then send it along to everyone you know, and urge them to watch it.

Randy died in July of this year. What he has left behind is nothing short of an unforgettable, phenomenal legacy.

After a While

2008-11-18T21:17:00.006-06:00

So, in one of my classes today, we were talking about how pain brings about the most pain (think about it . . . it's true) . . . and we got to talking about personal painful things that have happened in our lives, and the change it brought about. In the course of doing so, my teacher shared with us a poem that someone shared with her a long time ago when she was going through a difficult time.

I thought it was an incredibly beautiful and powerful poem, and it very much resonates with me and the stage of life I'm in right now . . . so I thought I'd pass it along as well.

After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

San Diego's Republican Mayor Sanders, on Gay Marriage

2008-11-17T18:05:00.009-06:00

A very heartfelt and emotional speech. This man has my utmost respect. I got choked up while watching this, and still haven't gotten rid of the goosebumps!

Why I never buy milk . . .

2008-11-16T18:32:00.009-06:00

. . . I bought a gallon of milk yesterday morning. By the end of this evening, it will be gone. Completely. The whole gallon. And I live alone.

Between cereal (which I can't resist if I have it in the house), hot cocoa (which I can't resist if I have it in the house), and my love for plain ice cold milk (which I can't resist if I have it in the house), the stuff disappears at an alarming rate. It's no wonder I have such a hard time getting and staying in shape!

I think after this gallon is gone, I'm going to ban it from . . . *ding* . . . oh! Gotta go! Hot cocoa is done!

I'll finish one of these days . . .

2008-11-15T22:36:00.007-06:00

Cleaning, the Corry Method:

~ Turn on music

~ Clean furiously for an hour

~ Take short break to check email

~ Clean furiously for 45 minutes

~ Take break for dinner

~Clean at a pretty good pace for 20 minutes

~ Check email, see if anything interesting is happening on her forums

~ Attack a pile of junk for a little bit

~ Find photo album in pile of junk . . . take break to look through it and get nostalgic

~ Check email and forums

~ Attack another pile of junk

~ Find old drawings/ poems/ papers, etc . . . take break to read through them

~ Check email and forums

~ Clean for five minutes

~ Check email and forums

~ Throw something away

~ Make blog post . . .

. . . you get the idea. I guess that explains why I've been cleaning for two days, eh?

Block Party

2008-11-15T00:43:00.007-06:00

I love Pundit Kitchen. :) (And all of it's sister sites!)

It's HOT COCOA SEASON!

2008-11-15T00:18:00.002-06:00

A few years ago, I decided to try making my own hot cocoa mix at home, to help feed my hot cocoa addiction. It tasted great, and it made a great, big batch that lasted me into the next year! And I had fun doing it!

Last year, I took it a step further and altered the recipe and made it my own. I don't mean to brag, but I created one DELICIOUS hot cocoa mix! I added real milk chocolate shavings, made different flavors, and enlisted taste testers! I was so excited about my creation!

I had plans to package it up in jars and give it out as gifts as Christmas . . . however, before that could happen, two major tragedies occurred in my family in the course of a week, just one month before Christmas, and my entire life halted . . . making gifts was the furthest thing from my mind.

Instead, I used up about half of my supply throughout the course of the winter, using it as one of many sources of comfort foods I turned to during what was the darkest, most stressful time of my life.

So, here it is a year later. It's cold. It's supposed to snow tomorrow. And I still have some of my cocoa stash from last year.

I just finished my first mug of the season, and it was DELICIOUS! I'm looking forward to gathering up the ingredients, and making fresh batches of my scrumptious concoction with Nicole . . . one of last year's tragedies turned miracle.

As anyone who knows me can tell you . . . I hate winter. I hate snow season. I hate sleet season. I hate cold season.

. . . but I sure love hot cocoa season!

Keith Olbermann on Prop 8

2008-11-11T14:37:00.001-06:00

This is amazing!

OMG! WE'RE DOOMED!!!!

2008-11-11T10:17:00.001-06:00

Personification of the heart . . . a non-political blog entry

2008-11-08T09:54:00.006-06:00

I don't know about you, but I've found my heart to be a deceitful, betraying little bastard. It makes you think that you are on the same team . . . that you are working together for a better life for YOU . . . but that's not *really* what the intentions of that lying little scoundrel are, are they?

Those of you who know me know that I've been through my share of heartache over the years. So much so, in fact, that I'm getting a bit gun-shy. That might not be a bad thing at this point in my life, either. For years I let my heart lead me through bad 'crushes' and relationships with people I wasn't compatible with . . . everytime ending in heartbreak of some form or another. You would think that being hurt would make me wake up and say "Wait a minute . . . maybe I shouldn't put my whole heart into it next time," but . . . you all know I have a big heart, with lots of love to give . . . my teeny tiny self confidence was no match for it.

But something finally started to change over the last couple of years . . . someone started to slowly feed my self-confidence, nurturing it to grow and to be strong and to learn to lead. Eventually, my heart took notice, stepped down, and let someone else have the reins. I learned to be happy by myself. I learned to love being single, working on my own life, nurturing my current friendships and building new ones, expanding my mind with school and new experiences . . . all of which made my self confidence even stronger.

I thought my heart was fine taking a rest, and not being in the lime-light.

But then the deceitful little bastard saw it's chance to strike when life was giving me a little too much to handle. It saw my self-confidence struggling, knocked it to the ground and said "Hey, he's kinda hot . . . I bet he'll give us some attention!"

My heart had the chance to frolick and play for a very short time before that very familiar feeling of heartache came rushing back. The cause this time was not the other person, but my own brain, stepping up and trying to pick my self-confidence off the ground saying "Lookie here . . . these are the reasons that this isn't going to happen . . . these are the reasons this isn't going to work . . . these are the reasons you need to regain control of your heart."

And so, the next order from the brain is to sit down and remind myself of what I want and need in a relationship so I can visually reinforce my standards, and give more power to my self-confidence.

So . . . here goes.

I want someone who truly cares about me, and who isn't afraid to show it.

I want someone who understands that I have flaws, and will love that much more for the harmless ones, and help me to change the harmful ones.

I want someone who can make me laugh until tears are streaming down my face, even in my darkest hour.

I want someone who knows when I need tough love, and isn't afraid to give it to me.

I want someone who will let me know he still cares about me, even when we are fighting like it's WWIII.

I want someone who will ALWAYS make me feel like I'm worth it.

I want someone who pushes me to be a better person.

I want someone who isn't exactly like me, and will open my mind to new experiences and new learning opportunities.

I want someone who cares about others.

I want someone who won't be jealous of my friends.

I want someone who is not quick to anger, and who will never intentionally hurt me, emotionally or physically.

I want someone who will care for my heart with a gentle touch, while continuing to nurture my self-confidence above all.

I want someone who wants me to be happy.

I think that's a pretty good list. I think my heart does, too, because it's feeling pretty good right now. It knows that all of these things come second to learning to love me, first.

It's a New Day

2008-11-05T16:35:00.004-06:00

This morning, November 5th, 2008, I was greeted by blue skies, warm sunshine, and a light, playful breeze that made the leaves dance as they fell from the trees. With unseasonably warm temperatures, I walked my dog down the mainstreet sidewalk of my small town, comfortable in just a Tshirt and jeans. As I walked along, I passed by people in thier daily routines of visting the Sweet Shop, the dentists office, the pharmacy . . . only today, something in the air was making it all seem . . . not quite so routine. The mood was no longer the same.

Across America in tiny towns like mine, we have all started getting used to the tension and worry that flows from person to person, growing like a mold, overtaking our lives. We worry about the economy . . . about how we are going to afford the gas to get to work next week, or whether or not student loans will be available to us next year. We worry about healthcare . . . about not being able to get treatment for injuries and illnesses because we can't afford health insurance, or perhaps we have insurance, but the premiums are so high, we fall short on the grocery budget for the month. We worry about our brothers, sisters, uncles, and cousins who are fighting overseas . . . will they come home soon? Will they come home at all?

We long for the worry-free days that we once had, that have been slowly fading into our distant memories. We wonder if our children will ever know a peace-time America.

At 26, I am really only recently becoming truly aware of all of these concerns and how they affect my life and the lives of those I care about. Maybe that makes me a late-bloomer, but better late than never, right?

It is because of these worries that I decided that I want to have a say in my future . . . I want to make a difference in my country. In the last 8 years I've watched as the greatest country in the world slowly sank deeper and deeper into the mud, damaging our friendships with other countries, denying and taking away the rights of her own citizens, and treating the constitution as if it were a useless piece of trash.

And then election season began. With it, a chance to change our dark future and reclaim our title as 'Greatest Country in the World.' But this year, would we find a candidate strong enough and smart enough to lead us down that path? We got our answer when a bright, young senator from Illinois announced his candidacy for the 2008 presidential elections. Barack Obama wasn't like most other politicians, and when he spoke, people quickly began to take notice.

The more I learned about him, the more I liked him. I would watch him speak about his vision for America, and I could easily see him leading us there. I wanted to get involved, to make a difference, but I didn't know how, other than the random pro-Obama blog entry here and there. Fall semester came along at school, and it wasn't long before I saw a flier for the College Democrats club. I thought that it might be a good way to learn more about politics, and to learn how to support Obama. I was sucked in and overtaken by this club, never missing a meeting, and losing out on lunch and 1/2 an hour's worth of pay every time we met. I quickly realized that the brilliant luster of the presidential elections was overshadowing the importance of local elections in my mind. I started learning about the various local candidates, and as the elections drew nearer, our club started getting out more and more and supporting democrats both local and national. The weeks went by, and the excitement grew, with weekends spent walking door to door, attending dinners and luncheons and candidate forums.

We poured our lives into supporting these candidates, leaving less and less time for ourselves the closer the elections grew, climaxing with the last few days before November 4th, when many of us were awake for no less than 43 hours, canvassing, calling, pollwatching, and more.

Election day was a tense, exciting, and emotional day, and I will never forget any of it. I will never forget the things I did, the people I met, the feelings I felt, the places I went.

And I will never forget waking up this morning, and this beautiful, warm fall day, and instantly sensing that new feeling that was wafting through the air amongst my fellow townsfolk. It was a feeling of tensions melting away, of worries disipating, and of hope blooming all around. Only hours before, as November 4th was coming to a close, America elected Barack Obama as her new president.

I couldn't help but feel good as I drove to school, and walked to my first class. In the hallway on the way there, I passed a woman I highly respect -- my Anthropology teacher. As she walked past me, she smiled, and summed up my feelings in one simple sentence. "It's a new day."

As goosebumps popped up on my arms, and a smile formed across my face, I was filled with an indescribable sense of pride and hope. We did it. It's a new day.

_________________________________________________________

For me, the elections themselves weren't the only thing that was filling me with hope and joy. As this new day was dawning, something else was going on at a personal level, as well.

I found myself surrounded by people who felt the same way as I did. People who want to make a difference. People who want a voice.

The college democrats meetings usually consist of a core group of people, all as full of enthusiasm as I have been. Through the meetings I met Brian and Brie and McKenzie and Cari, among others. Canvassing together, we quickly became friends with not only each other, but also with Mike, of the LaSalle/Bureau Co. democrats. I found myself wanting time to slow down . . . not wanting the elections to come . . . fearing the day when we woud no longer have a convenient excuse to hang out with each other every week.

We are certainly an odd crew, I'll give you that.

With McKenzie, you never know what is coming, but you can most likely bet on it being inappropriate and hilarious, and probably a little crazy. Brie gets in on the crazy, too, adding to it her knack for delivering quips that make you say "Wait, did she really just say that?" There's never a dull moment with these two.

Cari brings with her her own share of crazy, as well, and along with it a good dose of chaos that we all need to shake up our lives. (not a bad thing, folks!)

On the calmer side of things is Brian. Don't mistake his calm demeanor for 'no fun', however, as he's the king of the well-placed 'your mom' joke that will leave you laughing until your sides hurt.

And then there are our fearless leaders, the Mikes. First, Mike the teacher and college democrats advisor. He helped to inspire and nurture the collective drive of the group, and I've learned a lot from him.

Next, Mike the canvassing coordinator. Mike became our glue. We could always count on him to tell crude jokes, sling insults, be generally gruff, and then turn around and enforce exactly how much he appreciated each of us, not letting anyone feel like thier role was unimportant. We quickly grew to love him.

And now it's all over. These last couple of months have been wonderful, and now I fear that it's gone. I fear that I won't have the chance to be entertained by McKenzie's antics, or Brie's shock-statements much anymore. I fear that I will no longer be regaled with Cari's life stories. I fear that I won't get to enjoy Brian's out-of-the-blue silly voices that crack me up, or his philisophical math discussions that are so far beyond my realm of knowledge. I fear that I will no longer have Mike the canvasser's 'bad' influence to get me to lighten up and have fun, or his encouraging nature to push me to keep fighting to the end. Mike the teacher I'm garaunteed to see three times a week until December.

I hope my fears aren't realized, and that my new group of friends and I can find a way to continue our friendship. I also hope that they all know how much they've meant to me over the last couple of months. Thanks to each and every one of you for being a positive part of my life.

Illinois, district 11, you did the right thing, too!

2008-11-05T16:27:00.004-06:00

As I mentioned a week or two ago, the person I've been canvassing for the most, working the hardest to get elected, is Illinois Senator Debbie Halvorson, who was running for congress.

All of our hard work paid off, and Senator Debbie Halvorson is now Congresswoman Debbie Halvorson!

Congratulations to her!

See November 2nd's posting for more a photo.

Good job, America.

2008-11-05T08:45:00.002-06:00

You did the right thing! I'm so proud of my country! Congratulations, President-elect Barack Obama!

Me, Brian, and the politicians!

2008-11-02T21:36:00.004-06:00

Ok, a teaser photo for now!

This is from yesterday morning.

Starting on the left, Representative Frank Mautino, Illinois Senator and congressional candidate Debbie Halvorson, Congressmen Phil Hare, me, and Brian

OMG!!!

2008-11-02T19:16:00.003-06:00

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE ELECTION IS IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!

I spent the entire weekend canvassing with my friends Brian, Mike, and McKenzie . . hope to get my pictures uploaded and posted before long, but it might not be until next weekend or so (we'll see). We covered an incredible amount of area with an incredibly small amount of people, and we're quite proud of what we accomplished.

I am so anxious to find out Tuesday how much all of our hard work pays off. I'm excited and hopeful and nervous and proud all at once.

Don't forget to GET OUT AND VOTE Tuesday!!!!

Hayden Panettiere endorses John McCain

2008-10-31T19:27:00.002-05:00

(Some strong language)

Don't cry for me Sarah Palin!

2008-10-31T00:11:00.001-05:00

A must see for the Evita fan!

Obamarama! (A.K.A. Stacey found the infomercial video for me!)

2008-10-29T22:08:00.002-05:00

Here it is, people! Watch, enjoy, and prepare to be hope-ified!

Borat (and friends) say DON'T VOTE!

2008-10-29T19:53:00.002-05:00

Again, thanks to Stacey:

The infomercial

2008-10-29T19:30:00.003-05:00

I just got through watching the Obama infomercial that was aired at 7 CST tonight. The entire thing was touching, full of stories about everyday people like me, my peers, my friends, my co-workers, my bosses, teachers, family, etc . . . about thier life struggles, what the economy has done to all but destroy the hard work they've put into achieving the American Dream.

Listening to Obama speak with such passion, such hope, such optimism . . . watching the crowd at his rally today steadily increase in excitement . . . witnessing the hope and inspiration flood over everyone in attendance . . . I couldn't help but start to feel it, too. It wasn't long before I noticed goosebumps popping up all up my arms. I can honestly say that I cannot remember a time in which I was so utterly filled with such an overwelming feeling of hope for my country, my future, and the future of the children I will someday have.

If you didn't see it, I highly recommend finding it online as soon as it's available. I'm sure it won't be long. If I find it, I'll post it here to share with you all.

Don't forget to vote, folks.

Charles meets Barack

2008-10-29T07:50:00.001-05:00

I have to admit . . . I got a little choked up there towards the end!

More political talk!

2008-10-28T22:37:00.003-05:00

So, I'm kind of excited! Debbie Halvorson, who I talked about in my last post, is going to be speaking at a local Teamsters Hall on Saturday morning, and I plan on being there. I really look forward to getting to meet the person I've been canvassing for! (And after meeting her, I'll be out canvassing! :P )

She *was* at my school a few weeks ago for the candidate's forum that was held there, but I had class immediately before and after (and, well, during, too, but I skipped that class! ), so if she did come early or stick around for a meet and greet, I wasn't able to be there for it.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of lots of walking, possibly some phone calling, very little sleeping, and eating on the go (Ok, I'm pretty used to those last two). I can't wait! I'm so proud to feel like I'm really part of this election. I don't know what it was that drew me so strongly to immerse myself so deeply into all of this, but I'm not regretting it one bit, no matter what the end result.

Just 7 more days until election day! Don't forget to vote !

Debbie Halvorson for Congress!

2008-10-27T18:03:00.004-05:00

This is the candidate I've been out canvassing for the most:

Debbie Halvorson was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1997. In 2005, she became the first female senate majority leader in Illinois history.

She is running for Congress in the 11th district in Illinois, hoping to replace retiring congressmen Jerry Weller.

You can read about Debbie Halvorson's viewpoints on the issues HERE.

Number five? Seriously?

2008-10-26T19:55:00.003-05:00

Someone landed on my blog today by typing in the search term "Grammas boobs."

No, I'm not joking. How in the hell did someone land on my blog by typing in THAT!?

So, I decided to do a little test . Turns out, I'm the FIFTH SEARCH RESULT when you type 'grammas boobs' into Google.

WTF!?

EDITED TO ADD: After posting this blog entry, I'm now the first result. Should I be proud? Do I win a prize? If so, do I even *want* the prize?

Canvassing, Part II

2008-10-25T21:08:00.006-05:00

More pics from canvassing. (It will only allow me to post so many pictures per post)

P.S. There are no pics of me here . . . the only picture of me from the day is on Mike's camera. If he decides to email it to me, I'll add it, but otherwise, no me! :P

Canvassing for the Democrats

2008-10-25T20:38:00.021-05:00

Starting at 9:30 this morning, I spent the day canvassing (for the second time) in two different towns in two different counties, and attended a "Get Out the Vote" event held by a local Democratic State Representative in between.

I had a BLAST! Who knew canvassing could be fun?

I took a few poor quality iPhone pics while I was out.

My fellow college democrats, Brie, Brian, and McKenzie, and Mike Piacenti from the LaSalle and Bureau County Democrats:

I wish I would have gotten pictures during the luncheon and earlier in the day, but I didn't think about it.

Also, Mike and I infiltrated a local gun show full of mostly gun-loving republicans (a few of the candidates we were canvassing for have been endorsed by the NRA) . . . it would have been pretty interesting to have gotten some pictures in there, of Mike talkin' em up!

More pictures in the next post.

Wasssuuuuup???

2008-10-25T03:10:00.001-05:00

Remember the 'wassup' Budweiser comercials?

Here's an updated version.

Political ramblings.

2008-10-24T21:54:00.003-05:00

Ok, so maybe I've let politics take over my blog (and my life) lately. So what?

I just happen to feel that this election is extremely important. Maybe it's a sign that I'm finally starting to grow up a bit, but many of the issues this year are hitting a little too close for comfort. I've not paid much attention to politics in the past, perhaps because I didn't really see a direct connection to how things affected me. That is no longer the case.

The economy is in the gutter. I worry more each day about the availability of educaitonal finanical aid, and student loans. Politics may very well decide whether or not my dreams get to come true.

Not only that, but more than ever the issue of gender inequality is slapping me in the face everywhere I turn. I've worked hard to get where I am in life, and I have a long way to go. When I am done with school and start my career, I want to be able to earn the same amount of money as a similarly qualified individual, regardless of gender. I don't want to be passed over for promotions in favor of less qualified men. I want to be taken seriously. More importantly, when I have children someday, I want them to grow up in a society that treats women with respect and dignity.

Because of this, a McCain/Palin whitehouse scares the living daylights out of me. I don't want my rights as a woman stripped away from me. I don't want to be forced to pay for my own rape kit if I'm ever raped. (In fact, I think that forcing women to pay for thier own rape kits is a great way to deter them from seeking medical attention . . . real nice).

I do want to have a president and vice president who actively work towards protecting women's rights and promoting gender equality. I had a look at Barack Obama's website a while back, when I was researching policies and issues . . . I was taken aback at how much he's done for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. You can see for yourself here.

I'm rambling, I know . . . but with only 11 days left until election day, I'm feeling the tension. I'm scared and hopeful at the same time. In 11 days America will either turn down a very dark and very scary road, or down a bright and beautiful path towards equality, diversity, and hope.

I can't stress enough how important it is to get out and vote. Do it. It's your duty as a citizen of the United States of America.

See you at the voting booth on November 4th!

P.S. I may or may not have lied about stopping with the poltiical posts. ;) Don't worry, though. Only 11 days left.

I admit it! It's all my fault!

2008-10-22T21:05:00.001-05:00

I'm so sorry and ashamed! :(

McCain's claim that he is not the same as George W . . .

2008-10-19T22:07:00.002-05:00

. . . is crap! Even HE says that he votes with Bush over 90% of the time!

I also just realized that my last SEVERAL posts have been political! I really should try and get some other stuff up here, shouldn't I?

A message to Sarah Palin

2008-10-19T20:49:00.001-05:00

Found this through my cousin Stacey:

Vote For Hope

2008-10-09T22:17:00.002-05:00

Great video by MC Yogi.

Obama '08 - Vote For Hope from MC Yogi on Vimeo.

It's Canada for me!

2008-10-09T21:09:00.002-05:00

There's an expletive or two, so perhaps you shouldn't watch this with the kiddos around.

Yay for mobility!

2008-10-07T12:16:00.003-05:00

So, yesterday I ordered a new laptop! For a few months now I have been researching laptops so I can make sure I get one that is solid and dependable, and will last me several years through college. I've been googling laptop reviews, stalking forums, and grilling my techie friends for information and opinions.

It didn't take me long to settle on the Lenovo T61. However, shortly after I settled on it, they stopped making it! It's replacement, the T400 was more expensive than the T61 (gee, maybe that's why the T61 was so cheap . . . they were about to STOP MAKING IT!). To my delight, the price of the T400 soon went down. Way down. Then I discovered the educational discount, making it even cheaper.

Needless to say, I was in love. :) I've been anxious for a couple of months now, and yesterday, I was finally able to order it!

I'd stalked the forums enough to know that the shipping process isn't exactly the best, and that I would probably have to wait a while. My estimated ship date is October 20th . . . two full weeks after ordering it! How am I supposed to wait that long!?

So, in a few weeks, hopefully I will have pictures of my new bouncing baby toy. :P

Rub it in, why don't ya!

2008-10-07T11:44:00.002-05:00

There are far too many people who have landed on my page in the last few days using the search terms "Sympathy Card Cubs."

Come on, people! Enough rubbing it in already!

Har Har!

2008-09-24T17:49:00.001-05:00

Secretary to Psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible."
Psychologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."

What did the sign on Pavlov's lab door say?
Please knock. DON'T ring the bell!

Siiiiick!

2008-09-22T23:30:00.002-05:00

So, two weeks ago I was coughing up organs due to alergies. My throat hurt, my chest hurt, my stomach and back hurt, all from coughing so hard and so constantly.

Most of last week, I was fine. Yay!

Yesterday, I woke up sick.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Mother Nature, you hate me, don't you? It was that candy wrapper I threw on the ground in the 3rd grade, wasn't it? You're punishing me for all of the horrible things I've done!

My head is stuffed up and feels like it could explode at any moment. I can't concentrate for ANYTHING! I have hours of homework to do, and uh . . . well, I'm writing a blog because my train of thought done derailed.

I NEED to get my homework done!

All I want is to be healthy enough to NOT SUCK AT LIFE. Is that too much to ask!?

Sicky, out.

Plan for Change

2008-09-18T08:26:00.002-05:00

His name is Barack Obama, and he supports this message of hope and change.

Snapshot

2008-09-17T22:44:00.003-05:00

Me, Obamafied!

Happy

2008-09-16T11:13:00.002-05:00

I am tired, rarely getting enough sleep, always over-worked with very little time to rest and relax.

But I am happy.

I am broke. I'm behind in a few of my bills, and often have to scramble to find gas money to get to school.

But I am happy.

I am sick. I don't have the time or the money to get the proper nourishment on top of the aforementioned lack of sleep, and my body is punishing me for it.

But I am happy.

I have a severe lack of a social life. I don't have time for the friends that live near me, and my closest friends live so very far away that I rarely see them. I certainly don't have time for a relationship.

But I am happy.

I have focused my life on school . . . expanding my knowledge, drawing out of me talents I didn't know I had, and learning to better understand myself and those around me.

And I am happy.